How I Was and How I Want my Life to be Lived

Sixteen years ago, I was a subtle woman who wore a mask to hide my feelings that wanted to be flaunted so grave; they are so palpable in any feature of my face. Back then, I see myself standing in shame, being an underdog, being bullied, being pulled down even when I’m already at rock bottom, having the physique that doesn’t really look good, having a bad posture, being less-fortunate, being an illegitimate child, being someone who doesn’t belong to any place in this whole wide world. I took those things seriously. Yes, I was so hard on myself. I was so pessimistic. It wasdifficult for me to look at the brighter side because it doesn’t seem to exist. I tried hard to please everyone that surrounds me so they could see the best in me, hence, my good side. At most times, they are pleased and are looking up to me, but I can’t take it. I always think that anyone can barely love me. Every time people congratulate or praise me for my acting, directing, academic awards and making it to where I am now despite the challenges I faced—I become skeptic.Why? Simply because I don’t love myself the way everyone actually does. From what I’ve recounted, one could say that I lack confidence; my self-esteem is low, and the like. It’s true. Unquestionably, I don’t want to be a pushover forever, that’s why I thought of ways to boost my confidence up. Fortunately, I didn’t pick smoking and taking drugs as an option. I consider the field of communication as the best means that would justify the end or the result instead.

I’m the kind of person who barely expresses inner feelings. When I talk, especially when it’s about serious matters, I generalize my sentences. I even make it abstract at times. I do this for the reason that I don’t want people to discover who I really am. I’m afraid they won’t get delighted of seeing my inner being. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t live to impress and to be praised. I just have thisself-esteem that hides 9 feet below the ground. People don’t need to tell me to get rid of being proud because my ego has been gaining weight, it can hardly lift itself. If only I were good at speaking in public, I would acquire ample confidence. Being in the field of communication—specifically in the branch of broadcasting, public speaking, acting and directing—would probably do a great help. For this assumption, I opted to study theater in Philippine High School for the Arts. So good, nobody said it was easy, ‘because it is really not. Entering and staying in the world of communication with a very low foundation or with a self-downer background is quite a tedious work. I underwent the process of sounding like a lisp, and like I barely enunciate and articulate. Going through those things obviously didn’t make me more self-assured—having people mock and look down on you for your deficiencies, it’s hard—but it made me stronger. It does, because I’m over it. I can now speak clearly; but of course it’s on account of doing exercises that would enhance my enunciation and articulation, my mentors advised. It assured me that I can also overcome the trials that are preparing to intrude my way. It triggered me to be determined to chase after what I really want to be. It told me how I want to live my life.

Today, ‘til forever, I want to wake up with a smile on my face, amidst the glitches I face. No matter how long I think about it, thoseproblems won’t fade anyway. I want to have this joy inside me that can’t be stolen by anybody; this joy that keeps me going. I want to walk along the road without getting conscious of what other people perceive in me because I know myself better. I want to be who I am. I want to give other people the chance to experience how nice I am to be with. I want to let things happen as they ought to be. I want to accept the inevitableexistence of failures; life would totally be boring without it. I want to look at the perks I could get in any circumstance I am in. I want toeat, pray and love like there’s no tomorrow. I want to explore the things that are yet to be discovered. Above all, I want to do things that my future self would thank me for.

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